ReRunning & Writing

  Patience… I have an odd relationship to the idea of patience. In some ways, I am an incredibly patient person. For most of my life I have bent to the will of others and done whatever I could to make them happy. Denying yourself absolutely everything takes an immense amount of patience. That was how I defined it. How long could I hold out until I finally erupted with suppressed rage? It occurs to me now that this is not actually patience. I think one of the hardest parts of healing is unlearning things you have believed all your life. I have a lot to unlearn, and this one took a very long time. In fact, this is a pretty recent realization. I am two-thirds of the way through my 41st year of life, and this is just now occurring to me. I think it’s funny how the child who was “so mature for her age” has actually been trailing so far behind her peers this whole time. Not funny in a ha ha way. More in an absolutely devastating way. I’m kind of getting used to this feeling. So many things r

I made it.  That’s all I can think about today. While I still have residual anxiety during the day, I am beginning to relax and realize that this is my life now. Calm, creative, fulfilling, full of love, joyful, and peaceful. I am happy. Truly happy.  What a beautiful gift. To have my life laid out before me with ample opportunities. To be in a place where even if nothing ever changed and no new opportunities ever came, that I would still be satisfied and happy. And, I know that the universe has more good in store for me. I get to continue to heal. To meet the real me.  I am so fucking grateful. I have moments of pure peace. Pure bliss. Something I never thought I was allowed. Something I didn’t think I deserved. I thought you had to be miserable to prove your worth. But, I found my worth. Or realized it. I am worthy now . Always have been. I do sometimes regret that I lost so much time, but I am also so, so, so grateful that I got out of it with so much left (I hope, anyway). I’m so g