More Balance, More Peace

I made it. 

That’s all I can think about today. While I still have residual anxiety during the day, I am beginning to relax and realize that this is my life now. Calm, creative, fulfilling, full of love, joyful, and peaceful. I am happy. Truly happy. 

What a beautiful gift. To have my life laid out before me with ample opportunities. To be in a place where even if nothing ever changed and no new opportunities ever came, that I would still be satisfied and happy. And, I know that the universe has more good in store for me. I get to continue to heal. To meet the real me. 

I am so fucking grateful. I have moments of pure peace. Pure bliss. Something I never thought I was allowed. Something I didn’t think I deserved. I thought you had to be miserable to prove your worth. But, I found my worth. Or realized it. I am worthy now. Always have been. I do sometimes regret that I lost so much time, but I am also so, so, so grateful that I got out of it with so much left (I hope, anyway). I’m so grateful I’ve gotten this far. I love this amazing life. I made it.

I am obviously in an upswing at the moment, but I’ll take it. More and more I just exist on this plane, and I am dumbfounded. I never would have expected it. I didn’t even know this was possible. I was convinced I would be dead by 40. 

 

Well, I’m not dead, but it was a major turning point. I stopped believing my abuse and started believing in myself. I started questioning all of my thoughts. The ones that showed up all day, every day to torment me. Am I a terrible person? To whom? Not my husband or kids, who I adore and would do anything for. They know how deeply I love them. Not the kids I worked with. They thought I was a fun theatre teacher. Not the animals I care for with all my heart. They feel safe with me. They run to my room when they’re scared. 

So, am I a terrible person? No. That thought is old. Passed down through the generations of my family. It is not mine. I do not have to carry it. 

This is where I can find a silver lining to my trauma. Believing my worthlessness made me work so hard to be useful to people. To care for people and prove that I am not, in fact, terrible. It taught me love and kindness and patience. Now, yes, I overdid it, and I tried to love people who were not ever going to love me in return. This desperate need to be loved and accepted caused a lot of harm over the years. 

But, standing on the other side of it all, having learned to set boundaries and to love myself without input from anyone else, I can see the benefit of all those painful, terrible years. It has made me a kind, loving human being.

It makes me incredibly happy and also incredibly sad. As a child, my great-grandmother was my idol. I absolutely adored her. Everyone did. She was sweet and kind and helpful to everyone she met. I wanted to be just like her, and I feel like I am. But, with boundaries. Because now I see how people used her kindness. I have learned that some people will take and take and take, but if you dare to ask for anything in return, you will be scorned. It’s a hard lesson. I like to believe in the goodness of people, but there have to be limits to protect myself. I learned this lesson the hard way.

As all things, balance is key. I can embrace the goodness of my great-grandmother while also being selective about who receives my love and kindness. I deserve some of that love and kindness, too, and it is not a selfish thing to take care of myself first.

This is a work in progress, of course. I am constantly working on finding balance in my life. In all areas. More balance brings more peace, and I am enjoying my peace. I finally believe I deserve it.