There's No Moving Forward While Looking Back

Today is my birthday. I am 42 years old. It’s an age I never expected to see. For my entire life, I believed I would not live past 40. I just couldn’t see past that point, and honestly, if things had not changed, if I had not changed, that definitely could have been the outcome.

Luckily, I am doing the hard work and exploring the shadows of my past. Healing is far from easy. It hurts. At times, it sucks. But, then you start seeing the growth and the progress. You start to feel better. At 42, I am entering this unforeseen year actually, for the first time ever, truly loving myself. I am still working, and there is a lot still to do, but this is huge for me. I have a lifetime of hating myself - everything I could possibly think of, I hated vehemently. I am an emotional person, and the hatred was powerful. I took my bullies’ words and ran with them, committed them to memory, and lived by them. For a lifetime.

Maybe it is a kind of death. Ego death? Not that I am claiming to not still fall prey to my ego, but it’s different now. I am overall just calmer, and that is always beneficial. I feel like a different person, while also finally feeling like I am me. I’m still discovering who this new woman is, but I have seen glimpses of her over the years. She fought so hard to be seen and acknowledged, while I fought to keep her hidden. All in the quest of some unrealistic (and honestly boring) idea of what is acceptable and admirable. And, it was a fight I could never win, anyway. The odds were stacked against me.

I have no plans for this part of life, and it’s incredibly exciting. I am looking forward to whatever comes because I know I will be strong enough to handle it and because I know that there are lessons in the struggles and can sometimes lead to unimaginable places. I have hope for the first time. Hope. It took an embarrassingly long time to be able to put a word to the feeling. It was so foreign to me.

This could make me sad. It does when I allow myself to indulge in some self-pity and get in my feelings. It makes me really, really sad to think of the things that could have been – and the things that didn’t have to be. In another world. 

But, there is no momentum in self pity. It doesn’t help me in any way. Not anymore. I needed it for a while, and my anger and sadness are very justified, but it’s not helping me anymore. I am ready to step into this new part of life, this uncharted territory. There’s no moving forward while looking back. 

So, I am facing this year with hope and love. Why not? It’s a brand new life.