Going for the Rose Gold

 

Over the last decade I have been scattered all over the place. I was trying to compartmentalize my life into categories, but it's not working. I need to bring my pieces back together. 

So, this blog is going to be revamped a little. Yes. I am a survivor of CPTSD and a narcissistic parent. I will still blog about my healing journey, but I don't want to be limited to that only. Life is not my past pain. Life is right now. This moment. And, I'd rather write about living.

I am healing and really working to live my best life. I've spent my entire existence working to please other people, being who I thought they wanted me to be. I have no idea who I am, and I'm using this time to figure it out. 

I like what I am finding. 

As part of my healing, I have been meditating every day. I use several different types of meditation, both guided and unguided. One of the guided meditations brought a vision of a potential future me. She was happy and healthy and outside running. Everything I am striving for. I call her Rose Gold Em, and I use her as a mantra now to keep improving. Healing is a ton of work, most of it painful, and I like having this visualized goal to strive for. I call her Rose Gold because I have become obsessed with the colors pink and yellow, and I have developed a taste for rose gold jewelry. I have not allowed myself to be feminine in a very long time, and I am exploring my girly side now. I am finally free to be whoever I want. It's an incredible feeling.

But, because healing is messy as fuck, I'm mired in the past this week. The 4 year anniversary of my dad's passing is coming up in a few days, and I'm feeling off. Grief is an odd process. It never truly goes away. I'm also approaching the one year mark for going no contact with my mother, and the rest of my family. She was the conduit between me and the family, and I have no idea what kind of monster she has made me out to be. The more I heal, the more memories come back, and the more questions I have. 

It's kind of horrifying to realize how much of my life I have actively forgotten over the years. Pieces of the puzzle are falling together, and it is painting a very ugly picture. When I allow myself to get into my feelings, I feel really sad about it all. I was just a kid. I just needed someone to guide me. Reassure me. 

There is evidence of my healing, though. I am so much more stable this year as the day approaches. For me, the worst day is actually the day before he passed because that was when we last spoke and when I sat holding his hand and telling him it was okay when he got upset. I don't know if that memory will ever stop cutting straight to my heart. That one hurts.

But, up until this week, I have been okay. I started feeling the stress in my body, but I was able to identify it and talk myself down - most of the time. I haven't felt the need to wallow in my feelings, which is something that was almost an addiction for me in the past. I'm just tired of identifying myself by traumas. 

It's time to embrace my joy. I'm allowed to have happiness and enjoy my life. Everyone is. We are all in control of our own existence, and we can change it by shifting focus. It's a process, but it's working. I am beginning to see my efforts pay off. When I think of the time I spent feeling trapped at rock bottom, I am kind of blown away by how far I have already climbed out of that pit. Focus and intention. Once I decided I was healing, I committed to do whatever it took to change my life for the better. It's working. It was absolutely terrifying, but it's working. 

I am so grateful for this newfound ability to regulate my emotions. I have stepped off the rollercoaster, and I am finally adjusting to even ground. It used to feel uncomfortable, but I am learning to truly enjoy being calm and even. I just want peace in my life.

The newest addition to my process is a 30 day yoga challenge. I have known for quite a while that it would greatly benefit my mental health as well as my physical body. I needed it, but I was denying myself what I knew would be beneficial. (This is a new revelation that I'll write about later.) 

My therapist pushed for a yoga challenge. It is the next step to go with my daily meditations, and I'm also training for a marathon and could use it physically, too. So, I gave in and started the challenge yesterday. I did feel really good afterward. I know it's going to be good for me.

Existing in joy and doing what's good for me. That's the vibe. No longer trapped in trauma. Going for the rose gold.

What do you do purely for joy?