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Choosing to Fail: A Villain Era


 

In keeping with the last post about actually listening to my body, I am once again failing a training plan. 


That’s Old Em thinking, but it is always the first voice to pop up. I don’t see it as failing anymore. It just isn’t right for me in this moment. I need something else.


Last night I finally went for a run. It’s been pouring the last couple days, which has been my excuse even though I own a treadmill. If I am being honest, I’m still really missing my Moo, and I feel his absence so much when I’m running. He’s the reason I got back into running, and I am struggling without him.


But, I went last night, and I went to one of our usual spots. I didn’t cry as much as before (though I did cry), and it felt good to run again. At the same time, though, I am also just exhausted. I have no interest in following a set plan or distance. I just want to run.


So, I am choosing to fail this new plan. It’s a simple one, and a good one. I am bookmarking it for the future. I know I will go back to it at some point. Maybe. But, right now, I am back in my groove with lifting, and I think I will benefit more from a run streak. Same rules as before (very simple). I’ll just be running solo this time. 


Running has morphed completely for me. I do not care about races or competition or trying to prove anything. Running is about my mental health, my physical health, and my connection to nature. The big goals are still there, but I’m in no hurry. My main focus is longevity - and capability into my old age. I plan to still be lifting and running in my 80’s. Those women inspire me so much.



I feel like I was made to be a 40 year old woman. Maybe because I didn’t have much of a childhood. Who knows? Nurturing comes easily to me. Not something I would have expected, but my kids changed me completely. I became someone else. Stronger. Someone with a purpose. To love and support those kids and make sure they never had to feel the way I felt. To keep them safe from all of that bullshit.

I am ready for this stage of life. I have been through some shit and endured things I never thought I could. I am working through everything and placing responsibility where it should be. Some things I believed were mine to carry are not, but I have also had to face my own culpability. They may have made me a monster, but I am still responsible for what that version of me did.


Not that I did anything too wild, but I have definitely been cruel and probably caused some damage. Maybe not everyone is as scarred by their teen years as me – but, I doubt it. Especially in my generation. We were raising ourselves.


This is healing.


When I began this whole journey, I had no clue what I was getting into. Healing seemed gentle and happy and clean - like a tampon ad. Fields of flowers and stark white outfits.


Ha. Ha, ha, ha.


Nope. Healing is messy. It’s dirty. It’s done in the shadows - alone. As the layers strip away, you become both more powerful and also more vulnerable. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. 


I’ve seen a lot of people referencing their “villain era”, and I 100% get it. For a moment, I completely identified with it. But, we’re not villains. It only seems that way to the people who have benefited from our weak (or non-existent) boundaries. A villain to others, maybe, but for ourselves, I think it’s more nurturing. The helpers have given and given until they have nothing left, and now it’s time to turn the care on ourselves. It’s a self care era. 


Self care isn’t all bubble baths and face masks. Although, include those things too, if you enjoy them. Self care can also just be learning to say no. To rest when we’re tired. To listen to what we need in the moment. We should all be more gentle with ourselves. 


I’m tired of punishing myself. For what? It benefits no one and only hurts me. I’ve spent a lifetime fighting myself. Now, I just want to get to know her. 


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