So, What Now?

Yesterday I had to say goodbye to my very best friend, my dog Moo. If you follow my IG (@running_em), you have been bombarded with pictures of my beautiful boy. We have had a lot of adventures in the last few years. I’ve heard many times before that rescuing a dog actually rescued the human more, and I agree completely. Moo was a rescue. He came to us at around 1 ½ years old, and he gave me so much during our eight years together.

He joined our family when I was in a dark place. I was ill. I was sliding down into depression, and mostly stayed in my house. I went from running a marathon to barely doing any physical activity. My weight piled back on. I was just lost. Moo gave me purpose again. He gave me a reason to go outside everyday and get some sunshine and exercise.

Our almost daily adventures became a highlight for both of us. He was very expressive, and bringing him joy made me so happy. He quickly became the third child of the family. I called him my perpetual toddler, and I spoiled him silly.

He also helped me learn to love running for real. Our walks slowly turned to runs, and I began to approach running from a place of enjoyment. It was great for Moo and helped him get his energy out, and it was life changing for me. Running has become a habit that I love, and it has brought me so much healing. 

So, what now?

The question is plaguing me. It hasn’t been long, but I am realizing just how many ways my entire life revolved around my buddy. Now, my life is blown open, and I am not sure what to do with myself. Grieve and heal for now, I guess. I feel like I have been stripped of the labels I have used to identify myself. No longer a dog mom. No longer running with my dog. No longer a duo.

I seem to have two options - and yes, I know there are more, but for now, I am looking at these two. I can give into grief, give up running because it makes me sad, and dive back into the darkness that I have been dipping back into lately. This is what I would normally choose. I think I have been addicted to the lows as much as the highs, thus making everything extreme. 

But, I have come so far, and Moo was a massive part of my growth and healing. It seems counterintuitive to go back. Which brings me to option #2. Continuing what me and my boy-o started. 

So, I went for a run. I went to one of our usual places. One of his favorites because he could get off his leash and run free. Almost immediately I found a fluffy, white feather. Now, it is spring, and it could have easily fallen off of a bird, but I am taking it as a sign that he was with me. I cried almost the entire run. Crying while running is incredibly difficult. 

But, it was exactly what I needed. It sucked. A lot. But, I also got past that one hurdle. I made a different decision. It is okay to continue the thing we loved to do, and it is okay to keep moving forward. So, that’s the plan for now. Grieve him but also celebrate our time together. Keep trying. I think, for now, that is enough.