Worthy of Love

It's been a while since I posted anything. Honestly, the last post was right at the beginning of a bout of depression. If you've experienced it, you know how exhausting it can be. I just didn't have the energy to write. I felt fake. I like to keep a positive attitude, but during these dips, I just can't. I felt like I should be open about this area of my life as well as the more positive stuff. I want to be open and honest here. It’s the only way to heal.

I did write something, but then I doubted myself and didn’t post it. I struggle with any kind of perceived weakness. I was raised to believe I had to always be strong, stoic, unshakable. That doesn’t work. It can for quite a while, but eventually the pressure is too much. Denying emotions and not learning from them doesn’t lead anywhere good. And, it’s definitely not healthy.

Anyway, I was putting too much pressure on myself and getting overwhelmed. I decided to take a break for the end of the summer. I had a list of things I needed to do, but I did not schedule anything specific. We went on two spontaneous camping trips and relaxed by campfires. I read books and got ahead on some projects. And, I slept.

Sleep has always been a battle, and it still is occasionally. I have made a lot of progress in getting better sleep, but truly taking time off also gave me the freedom to realize just how exhausted I have been - for years. Exhaustion is part of the healing process, and I have really struggled with this part. If I am not productive, what am I? Do I have worth? Admitting exhaustion is equivalent to weakness in my CPTSD mind.

I have been rethinking a lot of things lately. My old ways no longer fit the person I want to become. It was all just put on me by others, and I was not allowed to have a differing opinion. The flying monkeys have been at work again lately, and I was just feeling really low. The old, bad thoughts were returning. Because honestly, it is easier to not fight. To not even try to be anything. Healing has been so much more work than I could have imagined. 

Lately, I have been asking myself what I need. It came from a wonderful book called Worthy of Love by Debbie Mirza. I read her book The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist when I was first beginning to understand the shit show of my past. It was so on-point and led me to take the first steps toward healing. 

I avoided Worthy of Love at the time. Because I didn’t think I was, and I certainly never believed I would be. I remember early on in therapy being told that I would eventually believe it, and I was so certain that she was wrong. 

It’s been a couple years since then. I have made some choices that I never would have expected to make. My life has improved so vastly, and I have begun to truly like myself. It’s still a struggle at times, but it’s getting better. I’m trying to be patient. I have 40 years of programming to undo. 

I was looking for a new audiobook, and I stumbled again upon Worthy of Love. I downloaded it, and then I almost returned it. It sounded like it was more for people who were romantically involved with a narcissist. I tried to return it, but something happened. It didn’t go through. During all of this, I looked at the reviews, and they were glowing. They also were not entirely from the romantic partners of narcissists. This book applies to anyone who has interacted with a narcissist for a long time. I kept the audiobook and started listening.

Now, I know how much I would have been “teased” for reading a book with this type of title. This book is an omission of weakness. A point of ridicule. 

Isn’t it fun when everything hurtful is “just a joke” and you need to “learn to take a joke”? Ha. So funny. 

Once I got past the past, I became engrossed in the book. It has been deeply transformative. Now, I’m not saying it’s all been beautiful. In fact, most of it has been confronting and uncomfortable. I have had to take a very close look at my own behavior. Whether or not I knew any better, I still have to admit and accept it all before I can move past it. 

I never thought I would be able to get past anything. My brain was firing on all cylinders at all times. On high alert and ready to fight or flee at any moment. I used to describe my life as “burning the candle at both ends and also in the middle.” I used to be so proud of that. Gross.

Now, I am searching for peace. Honestly, I am searching for my weaknesses, my faults. I want to examine them. I want to learn and grow. So far, though the work may be incredibly painful, it has brought me a great amount of peace. 

Letting go leaves room for love to get in. And, I am worthy of love.