Just Keep Adding the Good Stuff

Welcome to the Brain Blep Blog.

Join me in delving into the topics plaguing my exhausted brain. I am a 40 year old wife, mom, survivor of narcissistic abuse, and I have ADHD. So, as you can imagine, things in my brain can get a little wild.

I've been in therapy for three years, and I have been no contact with my covert narcissistic mother for 7 months. The walls I put up in childhood are cracking, and the memories are flooding in. I now have to doubt absolutely everything from my past. I am an unreliable narrator in my own life.

I am the scapegoat child and have only in the last few years begun to understand how that has affected the entirety of my existence -- so, that was a mind fuck. I'm hoping that sharing my healing journey will help someone else in a similar situation.

Oh, I also like to swear and don’t believe that it is harmful or shows a lack of intelligence. I think there are far worse words that are used regularly by the public at large -- stupid, useless, a disappointment, the r-word.

I've always been a weirdo, but only recently realized that it's actually untreated ADHD. It's kind of a relief, honestly. At least I have a reason for why I do things differently, why things affect me in odd ways, why I have never fit in anywhere in my entire life.

There's a lot to dig into, but I’ll get to it all eventually. That’s what Brain Blep is for after all. For today, I’m just taking things one day at a time and trying to focus on adding positive things to my life. It feels much better than focusing on things that are negative, and that’s really what it’s all about. You can only control your own mind, and how you frame things affects every single aspect of your life.

I’ve been sunk down in darkness and depression before, and there is no growth there. Maybe there is a reason that I need to go through it all. There were some lessons learned while in the shadows, but getting out of it and adding more joy to my life has been absolutely transforming.

Now, I'm not saying it’s easy. I’ve been at it for a few years now and only recently have begun to feel like I am starting the real work. It takes a ton of effort. Some very focused work, especially at first. The negative reactions are deeply programmed over years and years, and it can be difficult to break away from the destructive patterns.

I started by just acknowledging the negative thought. I would try to counter it with a positive thought and flip the script. Honestly, sometimes it's just not possible. Sometimes I just had to feel it, and you know what I did then? I said no or stop -- out loud. It, at the very least, breaks up the loop by acknowledging the negative thought. I have to pause. Sometimes, I can scare away the thoughts. Sometimes, they recommence after a brief moment of respite. And, sometimes, they get exponentially worse.

Luckily, most of the time it drives the thoughts away. I’m am no where near having completely eradicated them. I'm just saying it gets easier to notice them and shut them down. And, it has helped me look for - and find - more good in the world.

Today is a good one. It's snowing, and I am feeling grateful for my cozy, little house and my happy family. My fur babies and my work. It’s taken a lot to get here, but I am finding happiness. Finally. Today, I am feeling super grateful for it all.

That is another thing that has impacted my mental landscape immensely -- daily gratitude. Most days, I write down three things I am grateful for (I miss some days), and it has been immensely beneficial. There is always something to be thankful for. If I'm having a rough day, it may be something super simple, but it helps me change my focus for a moment. It takes that difficult day and gives me one positive moment. And, every moment matters. It all adds up.

My advice would be to just keep adding the good stuff. As it begins to accumulate, it takes up more and more space and leaves less room for the negative.

So, this is Brain Blep. I'm going to cover a wide array of topics, but mostly healing from trauma, CPTSD, ADHD, meditation, and just trying to live the most honest, authentic life I can. 40 is freedom. Join me as I find out who I really am.

Until next time, 

Peace.