Healing is Weird

Here’s an interesting fact. When you begin healing, no longer say yes to absolutely everything, and take a moment to rest - you will be tired. 

It makes sense. My body has been on high alert for a lifetime. My energy is completely depleted. Now that I am not awash with cortisol 24/7, my body just has nothing left. 

I am exhausted. My motivation is almost nil.  No matter what I try, I just cannot make myself push or stick to any kind of plan. 

I was kind of at a loss until very recently. I am out of ideas for how to trick myself, and the fatigue and lethargy are strong. For example, yesterday I was supposed to run. Not much. 35 minutes total. I absolutely did not want to. So, I decided to lift instead. I love lifting. I always get into it after I get started. No matter how unmotivated I am at the beginning.

Not this time. One set in, and I was over it. I was just unbelievably tired. It’s a physical feeling. It’s in my bones and muscles. I’ve been getting plenty of sleep lately – a major benefit of healing, which makes the other stuff absolutely worth the struggle. I love sleeping. I had no idea of how much my insomnia was affecting me until I started actually sleeping. It’s incredible.

So, healing is worth all the effort. Definitely.

Yesterday, I was thinking of a video I saw not too long ago. It was about the burn out that comes with healing. The man in the video was a personal fitness trainer. But, his recommendation was not to push through. It was to listen to what the body needs. What it is asking for.

This is a lesson I am still learning. I have spent a lifetime resisting everything my body was telling me. Denying it food, overworking it, overfeeding it, not moving, and a million other things. I have never listened. Never considered that I could give my body the things it needed. That I didn’t need to punish it. Or myself.

So, I acknowledged my exhaustion. I did not force it, and I planned to run today because I knew I would most definitely feel better and be ready for a run. I always feel better when I am rested. 

I don’t bounce back the way I used to, and I am asking a lot of my body. I need to be patient. In this and in all things.

Patience is another lesson I am still working on. I’ve made good progress, but I still have a long way to go. Especially when it involves physical activity.

Today didn’t go as planned. I woke up motivated, but it was pouring rain and thundering. I wanted to capitalize on my unexpected motivation, so I went to my gym and started lifting. The original plan was to do a short session and run later (assuming the rain let up), but I got into it and ended up finishing my workout 2 hours later. 

Then I crashed and ended up taking a super long nap. It’s been a good day, even if it didn’t go at all as planned. If you don’t listen to your body, it’ll get your attention however it can – like passing out during a Duolingo lesson and missing an entire afternoon.

Healing is weird. I’m just trying my best to be present (when I’m awake). The past can trap you in the darkness. It’s better to embrace the moment and enjoy Now.