What If Nothing's Wrong

Sooo.... about that daily journaling thing... that didn't happen. But, I did keep up with my training plan. Week one is complete.

It went really well. I like the way this program is structured. It’s working for me. I didn’t realize how much it was affecting me to be sitting at a desk so much, but I feel 1000% better this week doing daily training.

I have to admit, I did skip one workout. The last run of the week. It was a crazy busy day as well as 90 degrees and humid in the morning and then crazy thunderstorms all afternoon. I was also tired and achy from increasing my activity so much this week. It just didn’t happen.

In the past, I would beat myself up over messing up the program. I was raised to constantly strive for perfection and then berate myself when I inevitably failed – because, guess what? Perfection is unattainable and a pointless endeavor.

I have spent my whole life looking for everything that was wrong, and making things up if nothing seemed off. I craved the highs and lows - the drama of it all. It’s extremely addictive.

Lately, I have been countering my anxiety (and all of these old habits) with the question - what if nothing’s wrong?

And, it works. It stops me in my tracks. I am so used to feeling negatively that when things are good, I feel uncomfortable. It feels like something is wrong, but really nothing is. So, what if nothing is wrong? And that’s the feeling? Can I get past it? Enjoy the calm of nothingness?

It’s been a useful way to break the anxiety loop. I stop and try to pinpoint what it is I am worried about, and usually, it’s nothing. Literally nothing.

Anyone else a recovering perfectionist? Let me tell you right now that you are 100% fine just as you are at this moment. Nothing needs to be better. You are not lacking. You are fine. You are perfect in your imperfection.

Nothing is wrong.

Comments

Fighting The Imposter

January of 2023 can be summed up in two words: Imposter Syndrome. The beginning of the calendar year is always a battle. This year has actually been better than usual. The winter has been much warmer and gentler, and getting outside is so important for maintaining good mental health. Even so, it's been a bit rough. Every year has been improving, so I am hopeful that I'll have an even, calm January at some point. It's definitely getting closer. I had such lofty hopes this year. I always do. This year I did better with that, too, but I once again did not consider my January struggles when making my plans. Anyway, back to the Imposter. One of my plans for the very start of the year was a virtual 5k for a group that I have been chosen to be an ambassador for in 2023. It's called Still I Run, and it's all about using running to help manage mental health. Part of being an ambassador is posting about how I use running to handle my own challenges. I was so excited to be s...

There's No Moving Forward While Looking Back

Today is my birthday. I am 42 years old. It’s an age I never expected to see. For my entire life, I believed I would not live past 40. I just couldn’t see past that point, and honestly, if things had not changed, if I had not changed, that definitely could have been the outcome. Luckily, I am doing the hard work and exploring the shadows of my past. Healing is far from easy. It hurts. At times, it sucks. But, then you start seeing the growth and the progress. You start to feel better. At 42, I am entering this unforeseen year actually, for the first time ever, truly loving myself. I am still working, and there is a lot still to do, but this is huge for me. I have a lifetime of hating myself - everything I could possibly think of, I hated vehemently. I am an emotional person, and the hatred was powerful. I took my bullies’ words and ran with them, committed them to memory, and lived by them. For a lifetime. Maybe it is a kind of death. Ego death? Not that I am claiming to not still fa...

The Most Vibrant Shade of Green

Beginning Week 2, and things have already hit a snag. I was sore last week and skipped the last run. My reasoning was that the first run of this week was the same workout. But... then I changed things up a bit... again.... I can never leave a plan alone. This time I had a somewhat good reason. I went for my first run outside in a while, and I also ran at one of me and Moo's usual running spots. It was not easy. It was a beautiful day and a perfect temperature. Everything is the most vibrant shade of bright green right now. Something is definitely missing from this picture. I cried again during my run (which is mainly what changed my run today). It was less this time, though. Maybe I'll eventually get through one without crying at all. The goal for the rest of this week is to get back on track with the training plan. It should be easier to get back out on the trails again now that I've done one. Today was too perfect to pass up. I'm glad I could go back. I do love runn...

ReRunning & Writing

Search This Blog