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Walking In Nature


 My newest run streak ended abruptly. This one was so much more of a bummer than when I ended the 321 day streak. At least then I got to choose to end it. This one didn’t give me a chance. I made it 29 days. So close to a full month. I would be lying if I said I didn’t find this so incredibly annoying.


But, there was no other option. I woke up in pain one morning, and it persisted. My breast was swollen, and any movement was painful. Running was out of the question. 


I hesitated to share this because I am still in the process. I’ve been to the doctor and had a mammogram and an ultrasound. There doesn’t seem to be anything obvious, but they found some “debris” - what does that mean? I’m waiting to hear back from a breast surgeon about what happens next. Of course in the U.S. it’s a holiday weekend, so I get to wait extra long.


The rapidity of how fast things progressed was a bit unnerving, but I haven’t been told anything too scary. They haven’t told me much at all. That is, admittedly, a bit more frightening. But, I’m doing my best to stay positive and just wait to see what comes next.


So, that was the end of my most recent run streak. I’ll probably do another one. I really enjoy them. But, for now, I am limited, and I am trying to just move. Walking, light dancing, yoga. I want to try to lift (light of course), but I am a little nervous. 


Movement has always been a huge component of my life, and I am not good at resting. I struggle when I am physically limited. The best course of action right now is probably just to walk in nature. I need to move, and nature is incredibly calming. 





Of course, this has been a struggle as well. I am battling with daily exhaustion. Apparently, part of healing from CPTSD involves a period of extreme lethargy. The body has been on high alert for so long that once it can rest, it crashes hard. 


I am tired in a way that kind of defies explanation. I have spent my whole life trying so hard for something unattainable - and, honestly, impossible. After a life of perceived “failures”, this one has been the ultimate. But, it is also a lesson. My biggest failure has set me free. By releasing the need to please anyone else or live up to any external expectations, I have finally allowed myself to be accepted and loved by the only one who ever truly mattered - me. 


I’m going into July with my focus on self care, healing, and enjoyment. Gentle July. The ground feels shaky right now, and I think being gentle with myself is the way to go. It’s not my default, that’s for sure. But, so far, I have found the most healing through doing what is the opposite of what comes naturally. Gentleness. Patience.




So, that’s the plan for now. Life is full of ups and downs, and I am just riding the waves. Sometimes all you can do is let go and trust everything will work out. 
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