Skip to main content

Walking In Nature


 My newest run streak ended abruptly. This one was so much more of a bummer than when I ended the 321 day streak. At least then I got to choose to end it. This one didn’t give me a chance. I made it 29 days. So close to a full month. I would be lying if I said I didn’t find this so incredibly annoying.


But, there was no other option. I woke up in pain one morning, and it persisted. My breast was swollen, and any movement was painful. Running was out of the question. 


I hesitated to share this because I am still in the process. I’ve been to the doctor and had a mammogram and an ultrasound. There doesn’t seem to be anything obvious, but they found some “debris” - what does that mean? I’m waiting to hear back from a breast surgeon about what happens next. Of course in the U.S. it’s a holiday weekend, so I get to wait extra long.


The rapidity of how fast things progressed was a bit unnerving, but I haven’t been told anything too scary. They haven’t told me much at all. That is, admittedly, a bit more frightening. But, I’m doing my best to stay positive and just wait to see what comes next.


So, that was the end of my most recent run streak. I’ll probably do another one. I really enjoy them. But, for now, I am limited, and I am trying to just move. Walking, light dancing, yoga. I want to try to lift (light of course), but I am a little nervous. 


Movement has always been a huge component of my life, and I am not good at resting. I struggle when I am physically limited. The best course of action right now is probably just to walk in nature. I need to move, and nature is incredibly calming. 





Of course, this has been a struggle as well. I am battling with daily exhaustion. Apparently, part of healing from CPTSD involves a period of extreme lethargy. The body has been on high alert for so long that once it can rest, it crashes hard. 


I am tired in a way that kind of defies explanation. I have spent my whole life trying so hard for something unattainable - and, honestly, impossible. After a life of perceived “failures”, this one has been the ultimate. But, it is also a lesson. My biggest failure has set me free. By releasing the need to please anyone else or live up to any external expectations, I have finally allowed myself to be accepted and loved by the only one who ever truly mattered - me. 


I’m going into July with my focus on self care, healing, and enjoyment. Gentle July. The ground feels shaky right now, and I think being gentle with myself is the way to go. It’s not my default, that’s for sure. But, so far, I have found the most healing through doing what is the opposite of what comes naturally. Gentleness. Patience.




So, that’s the plan for now. Life is full of ups and downs, and I am just riding the waves. Sometimes all you can do is let go and trust everything will work out. 
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

ReRunning & Writing: My Healing Adventure

  Another week of running is done, and I added lifting this past week, too. I’m on Day 56 of my run streak, and I’m feeling good. My legs were tired during the week, so I did easier runs this weekend and didn’t do anything long. No need to rush the distance training. I am really trying to listen to my body and do what’s best for it. I owe it after all the years of hating it and doing everything I could to diminish it.  I love having a new running buddy. I miss Moo a lot still, and sometimes Oscar is so much like him. He’s a wonderful, little dude in his own right, too. I love watching him discover things and experience so much of life for the first time. He’s also a really good runner most days, and he’s getting faster and faster. He definitely pushes me some days. He’s a good trainer. 😆 So, I finally dragged myself back to my weight room, and I am a changed woman. There is honestly nothing (exercise-wise) that I love more than lifting. I had been feeling really low energy, tired, sor
Post a Comment
Read more

ReRunning & Writing: Accept - Forgive - Heal

  I’ve been battling with my brain lately. I have managed to run every day, and I am on Day 50 of my running streak. That’s great. It is important to my mental health to be outside and moving every single day. But, I have been struggling with doing longer runs. I have been craving a nice, long run, but every weekend when the time comes, I begin the battle with my brain, and I lose every time.  Until this past weekend. I finally managed to drag myself out of the house and do a 5 mile run. In my mind that doesn’t seem like much. My idea of distance has been warped since the first time I trained for a marathon. I’m working on staying present in this moment and accepting where I am at today . It’s been a real challenge. I remember when things were so much easier. I remember when I was driven to push myself all the time and was young enough to recover quickly. The truth is, I have let life toss me around a bunch since then - it’s been a decade. I am not where I was back then, but I did not
Post a Comment
Read more

A Calmer, Happier Place

  It’s a new week, and I am hitting the ground running – ha. I completed Week 1 of the couch to marathon program . It went pretty well. I did every workout – well, one of them I only did half of the intervals because it was 10:30 at night, and I was plodding away on my treadmill after the day got away from me. But, I did most of it, and that is fine with me. The best part is the calmness that comes with regular running. There is no denying the benefits to my mental health that come with regular running. I had a moment recently that was really upsetting and tested the work I have been doing and the healing that has occurred. Because of running I started out in a much better place and handled the whole situation in a much calmer way. I used to be so reactive. My anger has always been immediate and immense. It makes me cringe so hard to think about some of it. But, we are not our pasts. We are this moment only, and the future is all possibility. Anyway, I recently had an experience that
Post a Comment
Read more