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I Don't Know How To Rest

 


This year has been a year of working on and prioritizing my mental health. I declared it at the beginning of the year, and despite many minor derailments, I have made some huge progress so far. It’s been really, really difficult work, and I am exhausted. I’ve found myself lately with a mantra that I don’t want - I’m so tired. I don’t mean physically tired, though I am that as well. I mean soul tired. 


From what I’ve read, this is a part of healing. After being on high alert for so long, my system, my body, my brain, my heart, my soul - everything is exhausted, and rest is needed. It sounds easy enough, right? 



Rest is complicated. Maybe it shouldn’t be, but for me, at this moment in time, it is. 


After a lifetime of extreme highs and lows and a constant, fearful uncertainty, I have no idea how to rest - let alone how to actually enjoy it. 


But, I’m working on it. It does take focused effort right now. I still have to remind myself that I am safe. That there isn’t something waiting just out of sight to derail my progress and destroy the amazing life I am building. 


I am okay. 



I’ve been learning about addiction and recently read the book, Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance In The Age Of Indulgence by Dr. Anna Lembke. This one was an eye opener. It approaches addiction from the systematic reactions in the body - namely that dopamine is released after a certain action, and dopamine is a pleasure chemical. It makes us feel good, so we do more of that action. 


This can lead to positive habits, but oftentimes it leads to addictions. All addiction is really an addiction to dopamine. And the number of things that can become addictive is staggering. Many are so rooted in daily life that they seem natural and commonplace. It’s not just alcohol or hard drugs. It can be anything that you overdo to your detriment in the search of that brief dopamine high.


I wonder if this contributes to my inability to rest. I wonder if after a lifetime of the emotional rollercoaster, I am addicted to the ride. The peaks and deep valleys. The intense emotions. It seems quite possible. I don’t exactly crave those things, but I do feel an intense hollowness when things are calm. Like I should be feeling more. Doing something.



Like I said, I am exhausted. Soul tired. And, thankfully, I now recognize this as a line, which if crossed is a slippery slope back down into the dip of the rollercoaster. I can stop myself here and figure out what it is I need. The answer this time was a run in nature - solo. I love my pup, and running with him brings me so much joy. However, he is very attached and sometimes I just need a little space. Especially when I get overwhelmed to the point of exhaustion.


Running and nature are two of my strongest tools for keeping myself calm and even. I love doing run streaks because it ensures I am outside (90% of the time) and that I am getting some good dopamine and endorphins from running. Plus, I usually get an extra boost from providing my running buddy with his daily adventure, too. 


I have to be careful even with these things. I have to make sure I am not overdoing things - because I have definitely overdone running/exercise before - or feeling like I should be doing more. Anytime the word should pops into my head, I am moving into negative territory. 



I am moving through these final months of 2022 with the word Balance constantly in my mind. I tend to swing from one extreme to another - massive workouts and healthy eating into no movement and binge eating. I am working to lessen the severity of these swings and have done pretty well. Now, I just need to refine it and keep balanced the best I can. I have come a long way this year, and now it is time for a little rest and recovery - and who knows? Maybe a little fun?
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