Another week of running is done, and I added lifting this past week, too. I’m on Day 56 of my run streak, and I’m feeling good. My legs were tired during the week, so I did easier runs this weekend and didn’t do anything long. No need to rush the distance training. I am really trying to listen to my body and do what’s best for it. I owe it after all the years of hating it and doing everything I could to diminish it.
I love having a new running buddy. I miss Moo a lot still, and sometimes Oscar is so much like him. He’s a wonderful, little dude in his own right, too. I love watching him discover things and experience so much of life for the first time. He’s also a really good runner most days, and he’s getting faster and faster. He definitely pushes me some days. He’s a good trainer. 😆
So, I finally dragged myself back to my weight room, and I am a changed woman. There is honestly nothing (exercise-wise) that I love more than lifting. I had been feeling really low energy, tired, sore all over, odd pains in my shoulders and lower back - just bad. In one lifting session, I felt everything move back into place. My body stopped hurting. I stood up taller.
I find the experience very meditative. Lifting is slow and deliberate, and I love just zoning out and focusing only on lifting. It also wears me out on a deep level. I started falling asleep so much earlier than usual, and I actually slept really well. Which helped with my daily attitude and energy level. I feel amazing.
I wanted to lift yesterday as well, but decided I should probably take one day off from lifting every week. It was a struggle mentally, but I think my muscles needed it. I also did a super gentle run, so it was a definite rest day. I don’t want to burn out. There is no reason for it, and the slow, miniscule progress is the kind that lasts. I’m just happy to be lifting again.
This week my mental health has been really even. That’s another benefit of lifting regularly. I burn off some tension and can stay present in the moment. I feel calmer overall, and I feel strong.
Feeling strong has always been important to me – and it also makes me feel safe. When I am feeling weak, I feel unsafe, and it just adds to my anxiety and depression. And, the downward spiral begins. Lifting can always pull me out.
It took me a long time to get back to it this time. I was feeling so unmotivated and low. I told Andy that if I am ever in my low depressive dip, he should tell me to just go do one set of anything. It gives me the power of choice, and I know once I do one set, I’ll most likely continue on after. And, then I’m out of it and feeling good again.
I wish punishing myself for existing wasn’t my go-to, but it is. At least it’s less often now. I am getting it under control – slowly. Healing is slow, tedious work. I’m in a sticky spot right now, and I think I sometimes allow myself to slip as a punishment. I’m supposed to be working on self love, but I still struggle to believe I deserve it. I also love to rebel – even against good things. Maybe especially against good things.
More and more often, though, I am trying to turn my attention to things that make me feel good about myself, people I love, activities I enjoy. It really is true that whatever you focus your energy on is what will occur in your own life. Why not focus on the good and enjoy what you can? Life’s too short to be anything but happy – I can’t remember where I’ve seen this quote, but it is completely right.
I know there is no way to avoid the pitfalls of life. Bad things will happen. But, I think that coming from a place of inner contentment is a much better place to start when facing grief. It changes how you handle the bad stuff, and it might make it a little easier to endure.
That’s been my experience, anyway. Starting out calm and even is a definite improvement. I used to start out as a manic mess. Like a tornado. Or a hurricane. They called me Hurricane Emily when I was little because I was a wild, messy kid – a manic mess in the making.
The storm is still in me, but I’ve got some control now. I’ve got a safer shelter and some new tools to help me handle things better. I’ve learned not to fear the storm but to embrace it. If you’re reading this and on the fence about starting therapy - just do it. Seriously. I’ve been going for 5 years, and it has changed my life completely. The work is hard, and you have to be ready to do it. But, it is worth it. It is so, so worth it.
Anyone else on their healing journey? Not my favorite phrase, but it is a journey. You could even call it an adventure. I think I prefer that - my healing adventure. 💖
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