I’ve been battling with my brain lately. I have managed to run every day, and I am on Day 50 of my running streak. That’s great. It is important to my mental health to be outside and moving every single day. But, I have been struggling with doing longer runs. I have been craving a nice, long run, but every weekend when the time comes, I begin the battle with my brain, and I lose every time.
Until this past weekend. I finally managed to drag myself out of the house and do a 5 mile run. In my mind that doesn’t seem like much. My idea of distance has been warped since the first time I trained for a marathon. I’m working on staying present in this moment and accepting where I am at today. It’s been a real challenge. I remember when things were so much easier. I remember when I was driven to push myself all the time and was young enough to recover quickly.
The truth is, I have let life toss me around a bunch since then - it’s been a decade. I am not where I was back then, but I did not fall all the way back to the bottom. So, during my run, I tried to reframe things. I celebrated the fact that at 41 years old and 236 pounds, I can easily go out for a 5 miler without any trouble. That’s worth focusing on.
I’m not used to allowing myself a moment of pride or celebration. There was always something that didn’t go perfectly, and I would focus on everything negative and brush off anything positive. I didn’t feel like I deserved any positivity. Not unless it met “my” standards - and I was looking for perfection.
Perfectionism never brings anything but self hatred and a deep, deep belief of being unworthy - of literally anything.
0/10 Do not recommend.
So, I am working on being present and focused only on the present - maybe a little thought to the future, but no more dwelling on the past. It’s done and over, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. Better to shift my energy toward things I can still influence.
That’s not to say this is an easy thing. I’ve been rooted in the past and in the pain for so long that it is my natural state. Feeling safe feels anything but safe. It’s unsettling. But, change is never comfortable, and I’m willing to embrace the uncertainty and icky feelings. So far, it’s led me down a much nicer path to an incredibly fulfilling life. There’s been a lot of pitfalls - a lot of shadows to pass through - but, the good days are coming more frequently, and it makes me even more willing to do the work.
That’s not to say that my run was perfect and easy. It was not. My mind definitely needs training. The loss of my need to prove that I am worthy (of whatever) has also severely decreased my will to push myself. I think I needed a very long rest. I’ve been running on high for far too long.
I think I am ready to try again. I remembered how much I love the post-run feeling of pure exhaustion and accomplishment. I loved training distance before, and this time, I am only doing it for me. Not to prove anything. Simply for the love of running.
I’m really going to try to celebrate every effort. Every sore muscle and chafed patch of skin (well, maybe not those). I’m going to try to just be proud of every attempt and accept where I am and how much I can do in the moment.
Closely following acceptance is forgiveness. Another thing that’s been on my mind a lot lately. Another completely foreign concept. I was raised to hold grudges and angry silences. I was taught that people should be able to read my mind. And, I didn’t figure out how incredibly ludicrous this is until last year.
These discoveries are embarrassing. If I let it, a new realization (which should be a healthy thing) can turn into a spiral of shame. I try to just celebrate that I did figure it out. I try to forgive myself. I’ve seen what happens when the realization isn’t made, and it’s not a happy path. I’ve found that I am able to forgive a lot of things from my past just because they didn’t know either. No one taught them, so they couldn’t teach me. Trauma seeps through all the generations like a poison. And, getting away is almost impossible.
But, I’m doing my best to step away. I can forgive and intellectualize things, but I also had to live through their choices and fight through intense self hatred to escape. I know it is still not healthy for me to have them in my life, but I can to some extent forgive.
I’m not going to go too deep on forgiveness because I have only recently begun my work in this area. I don’t know anything. But, I promise to try and share what I learn.
I know that forgiveness is necessary for healing. I think self-forgiveness most of all. My own healing (and the wonderful peace it brings) really began to accelerate when I started forgiving myself for my past.
This isn’t to say that I don’t consider my own poor choices and their consequences. I do, and for the first time can truly accept my blame. I just try to see it with the eyes of a knowledgeable adult instead of a wounded child. And, to forgive that little girl for not knowing how to do any better. She survived, and that’s worth celebrating.
Comments
Post a Comment