ReRunning & Writing

  It’s a new week, and I am hitting the ground running – ha. I completed Week 1 of the couch to marathon program . It went pretty well. I did every workout – well, one of them I only did half of the intervals because it was 10:30 at night, and I was plodding away on my treadmill after the day got away from me. But, I did most of it, and that is fine with me. The best part is the calmness that comes with regular running. There is no denying the benefits to my mental health that come with regular running. I had a moment recently that was really upsetting and tested the work I have been doing and the healing that has occurred. Because of running I started out in a much better place and handled the whole situation in a much calmer way. I used to be so reactive. My anger has always been immediate and immense. It makes me cringe so hard to think about some of it. But, we are not our pasts. We are this moment only, and the future is all possibility. Anyway, I recently had an experience t...

  In keeping with the last post about actually listening to my body, I am once again failing a training plan.  That’s Old Em thinking, but it is always the first voice to pop up. I don’t see it as failing anymore. It just isn’t right for me in this moment. I need something else. Last night I finally went for a run. It’s been pouring the last couple days, which has been my excuse even though I own a treadmill. If I am being honest, I’m still really missing my Moo, and I feel his absence so much when I’m running. He’s the reason I got back into running, and I am struggling without him. But, I went last night, and I went to one of our usual spots. I didn’t cry as much as before (though I did cry), and it felt good to run again. At the same time, though, I am also just exhausted. I have no interest in following a set plan or distance. I just want to run. So, I am choosing to fail this new plan. It’s a simple one, and a good one. I am bookmarking it for the future. I know I will go...

Here’s an interesting fact. When you begin healing, no longer say yes to absolutely everything, and take a moment to rest - you will be tired .  It makes sense. My body has been on high alert for a lifetime. My energy is completely depleted. Now that I am not awash with cortisol 24/7, my body just has nothing left.  I am exhausted. My motivation is almost nil.  No matter what I try, I just cannot make myself push or stick to any kind of plan.  I was kind of at a loss until very recently. I am out of ideas for how to trick myself, and the fatigue and lethargy are strong. For example, yesterday I was supposed to run. Not much. 35 minutes total. I absolutely did not want to. So, I decided to lift instead. I love lifting. I always get into it after I get started. No matter how unmotivated I am at the beginning. Not this time. One set in, and I was over it. I was just unbelievably tired. It’s a physical feeling. It’s in my bones and muscles. I’ve been getting plenty of sl...

Beginning Week 2, and things have already hit a snag. I was sore last week and skipped the last run. My reasoning was that the first run of this week was the same workout. But... then I changed things up a bit... again.... I can never leave a plan alone. This time I had a somewhat good reason. I went for my first run outside in a while, and I also ran at one of me and Moo's usual running spots. It was not easy. It was a beautiful day and a perfect temperature. Everything is the most vibrant shade of bright green right now.  Something is definitely missing from this picture. I cried again during my run (which is mainly what changed my run today). It was less this time, though. Maybe I'll eventually get through one without crying at all.  The goal for the rest of this week is to get back on track with the training plan. It should be easier to get back out on the trails again now that I've done one. Today was too perfect to pass up. I'm glad I could go back. I do love runn...

  Sooo.... about that daily journaling thing... that didn't happen. But, I did keep up with my training plan. Week one is complete. It went really well. I like the way this program is structured. It’s working for me. I didn’t realize how much it was affecting me to be sitting at a desk so much, but I feel 1000% better this week doing daily training.  I have to admit, I did skip one workout. The last run of the week. It was a crazy busy day as well as 90 degrees and humid in the morning and then crazy thunderstorms all afternoon. I was also tired and achy from increasing my activity so much this week. It just didn’t happen.  In the past, I would beat myself up over messing up the program. I was raised to constantly strive for perfection and then berate myself when I inevitably failed – because, guess what? Perfection is unattainable and a pointless endeavor.  I have spent my whole life looking for everything that was wrong, and making things up if nothing seemed off....

  Day 2/Run 1 is done. Honestly, this was probably the most important day for me. I make lots of plans and then don’t even start them. I need this program to force myself to run regularly. I know it will become a habit again. I just need to adjust to running without my Moo. So, Day 2 was a nice easy run workout. One minute intervals of running and walking. It was pouring rain, so I hopped on the treadmill. It was a good run, and I felt good when I was done. Gotta love the week one workouts. I did have a moment during the run where I thought to myself “I can do this. I am ready.” I’ve still been dealing with some doubt, and it was nice to have that spontaneous thought. I’m looking forward to this journey. Week 1 optimism… My love of lifting has been ignited again as well. I may have to add in some evening lifts on running days, too. Especially in these early day, I think it should be fine. There is nothing I enjoy more. Is that going off plan? I would like to actually follow this p...

  Lately, I haven’t been great with follow through - at least not with my running goals. The run streak went well, but that was done quite a while ago. I have been focused on other things, and the past two months have been filled with grief. Sometimes you just have to get through day by day until the storm passes. The final blow was losing my dog, Mooner. aka Moon Dog - aka Moo He was my buddy for almost all of my runs, and I loved our adventures together. It has been absolutely awful losing him, and I have struggled to go for a run. Every good running spot makes me miss him. Then I am either sad or angry and have no interest in running. What’s the point without him trotting along in front of me? Now, I know there are a lot of other reasons to go for a run, and I know that I need running in my life for my own sanity. I’ve managed a couple of runs, but the motivation is severely lacking. I needed a goal. Cue random email. I received an email the other day from someone who has a couc...