Skip to main content

Posts

There's No Moving Forward While Looking Back

Today is my birthday. I am 42 years old. It’s an age I never expected to see. For my entire life, I believed I would not live past 40. I just couldn’t see past that point, and honestly, if things had not changed, if I had not changed, that definitely could have been the outcome. Luckily, I am doing the hard work and exploring the shadows of my past. Healing is far from easy. It hurts. At times, it sucks. But, then you start seeing the growth and the progress. You start to feel better. At 42, I am entering this unforeseen year actually, for the first time ever, truly loving myself. I am still working, and there is a lot still to do, but this is huge for me. I have a lifetime of hating myself - everything I could possibly think of, I hated vehemently. I am an emotional person, and the hatred was powerful. I took my bullies’ words and ran with them, committed them to memory, and lived by them. For a lifetime. Maybe it is a kind of death. Ego death? Not that I am claiming to not still fa
Post a Comment
Read more
Recent posts

Fighting The Imposter

 January of 2023 can be summed up in two words: Imposter Syndrome. The beginning of the calendar year is always a battle. This year has actually been better than usual. The winter has been much warmer and gentler, and getting outside is so important for maintaining good mental health. Even so, it's been a bit rough. Every year has been improving, so I am hopeful that I'll have an even, calm January at some point. It's definitely getting closer. I had such lofty hopes this year. I always do. This year I did better with that, too, but I once again did not consider my January struggles when making my plans.  Anyway, back to the Imposter. One of my plans for the very start of the year was a virtual 5k for a group that I have been chosen to be an ambassador for in 2023. It's called Still I Run, and it's all about using running to help manage mental health. Part of being an ambassador is posting about how I use running to handle my own challenges. I was so excited to be s
Post a Comment
Read more

ReRunning & Writing: My Healing Adventure

  Another week of running is done, and I added lifting this past week, too. I’m on Day 56 of my run streak, and I’m feeling good. My legs were tired during the week, so I did easier runs this weekend and didn’t do anything long. No need to rush the distance training. I am really trying to listen to my body and do what’s best for it. I owe it after all the years of hating it and doing everything I could to diminish it.  I love having a new running buddy. I miss Moo a lot still, and sometimes Oscar is so much like him. He’s a wonderful, little dude in his own right, too. I love watching him discover things and experience so much of life for the first time. He’s also a really good runner most days, and he’s getting faster and faster. He definitely pushes me some days. He’s a good trainer. 😆 So, I finally dragged myself back to my weight room, and I am a changed woman. There is honestly nothing (exercise-wise) that I love more than lifting. I had been feeling really low energy, tired, sor
Post a Comment
Read more

ReRunning & Writing: Accept - Forgive - Heal

  I’ve been battling with my brain lately. I have managed to run every day, and I am on Day 50 of my running streak. That’s great. It is important to my mental health to be outside and moving every single day. But, I have been struggling with doing longer runs. I have been craving a nice, long run, but every weekend when the time comes, I begin the battle with my brain, and I lose every time.  Until this past weekend. I finally managed to drag myself out of the house and do a 5 mile run. In my mind that doesn’t seem like much. My idea of distance has been warped since the first time I trained for a marathon. I’m working on staying present in this moment and accepting where I am at today . It’s been a real challenge. I remember when things were so much easier. I remember when I was driven to push myself all the time and was young enough to recover quickly. The truth is, I have let life toss me around a bunch since then - it’s been a decade. I am not where I was back then, but I did not
Post a Comment
Read more

Just Enough

  What is enough ? This question plagues me in one form or another pretty much daily and has for my entire life. I didn’t think of it that way as a kid, but I was constantly trying to prove that I was enough . Just enough. Because you don’t want to be too much either, and I tended to overcorrect in that direction.  Even when I was being too much , the other side of the coin was that I wasn’t enough of something else. There was no balance. I was never just enough . And, I have spent my whole life chasing this idea. As if it was something outside of myself and I could fix it if I just could catch up. That’s another cruel joke played on people with CPTSD. You’re so grown up and mature for your age - until you actually grow up and realize (or don’t sometimes) how woefully behind you are. I was a problem child. I mean, not really, but that was the narrative. Honestly, compared to a lot of people (including some of the people who labeled me), I have led a pretty dull life. I drank for a b
Post a Comment
Read more

I Don't Know How To Rest

  This year has been a year of working on and prioritizing my mental health. I declared it at the beginning of the year, and despite many minor derailments, I have made some huge progress so far. It’s been really, really difficult work, and I am exhausted. I’ve found myself lately with a mantra that I don’t want - I’m so tired . I don’t mean physically tired, though I am that as well. I mean soul tired.  From what I’ve read, this is a part of healing. After being on high alert for so long, my system, my body, my brain, my heart, my soul - everything is exhausted, and rest is needed. It sounds easy enough, right?  Rest is complicated. Maybe it shouldn’t be, but for me, at this moment in time, it is.  After a lifetime of extreme highs and lows and a constant, fearful uncertainty, I have no idea how to rest - let alone how to actually enjoy it.  But, I’m working on it. It does take focused effort right now. I still have to remind myself that I am safe. That there isn’t something waiting j
Post a Comment
Read more

Running Down A Mountain With A Puppy

  I haven’t posted in quite awhile. I’ve tried to write a few times, but nothing ever felt right. My mental health took a bit of a dip, and I needed to focus solely on that for a little while. I did a lot of thinking, which I’m sure will turn up in the blog sooner or later, but for today, I want to keep it light and talk about running. My puppy, Oscar, has been with us for almost 2 months, and he and I have been running together. He’s a really quick learner and runs really well already (after he gets some good sniffing in). Once I knew he was into running and able to handle it, I started a run streak again. It is my favorite way to run, and I just need to be out there every day right now. It keeps me peaceful, and the boy loves it, too. We’re on Day 19.  Tomorrow, he might have to run with someone else because I need a long run. My sleep has been really messed up, and though I wanted to run long, I didn’t. I was too exhausted. However, he is settling into a pretty good sleep schedule,
Post a Comment
Read more